February, 23, 2014
Like many people around the globe I have spent a good deal of my time the past two weeks watching the Olympics in Sochi. Despite all the issues with the hotels the games seem to have gone pretty well. But I think I should be made the new Olympic Tsar for the Winter Games because I know three ways that will transform them from good to great.
Sex, guns and jumps.
Well the biathlon has been my favorite event. I don’t think people realize how insane it is to be in a full-out sprint then being able to calm your body to hit a target the size of a grapefruit.
The snowboard and skicross are awesome because there are wipeouts galore and anything can happen until you cross the finish line and usually does. Just ask Lindsey Jacobellis how safe a lead is.
And has anyone else noticed that the winter Olympians are an unusually good looking group? It is almost criminal that they only hold the Winter Olympics every four years when you look like this.
One of my major sweeping changes would be to make more sports co-ed. It seems to work for ice-skating. Take that sex appeal and spread it around. How cool would it be to have a co-ed snowboard relay? Actually pretty much every even other than hockey should have a mixed division come to think of it.
Think about the bobsled. The woman could be in the back yelling at the male driver about how poorly he is steering. Instead of tucked in behind you would see her head peeping out to each side the occasional swat to the helmet as they speed down the track.
The two “man” luge would take on a whole new meaning. The more traditional teams would have the woman on the bottom while some of the more progressive teams would allow the woman to be on top. I would love to have Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski providing analysis and insights into the this one. In my Olympics they would commentate on all the sports. They know when to talk and when to be quiet and damn they know fashion like no one’s business.
And lets not even talk about curling when the men can yell at the women to sweep, sweep, sweep. Yea chauvinistic I know, but still would make for good TV.
Why limit the shooting to just the biathlon? Lets add shooting to more events. How about skeleton on to opposite tracks that end 50 yards apart? As soon as the racer hits the bottom they then have to shoot the opposing racer. Obviously not real guns or the silver and bronze would need to be awarded posthumously. Instead, each person heads down their track with a paint gun strapped to their back.
Have targets on each side of the ski jump and while the skier flies through the air they are shooting skeet. Distance plus number of targets equals the winner.
Imagine curling with the opposition shooting at the sweepers rather than passively awaiting their turns. Overnight curling would become an adrenaline junkie game.
Once again, other than hockey, every sport should have jumps in it.
Watch this and there will be, can be no debate that jumps are frickin awesome and need to be added to EVERYTHING. After you watch it. watch it again, it that cool.
The skeleton needs to ditch the track and go down the mogul course. Zipping down that head first like all of us that grew up in snow climates did as a kid. I mean come on, both luge and skeleton are just glorified sledding so lets return it to its roots and make the athletes take some jumps. Then we have a sport.
Think how exciting the bobsled would be if it ended with a nice 20 foot ramp? The sport needs something to make it more competitive. Winning by .01 seconds isn’t something that should be celebrated. A few years ago this would be a tie. Now if they launched themselves at the conclusion, we have a real sport worth watching.
If all goes well I will be appointed the new Olympic and 2018 will be anointed the XY Games.